Klinke Cleaners discovers the ultimate fabric protector – an unlikely combination of red wine and ink mixed in the perfect ratio. “When this secret gets out, we’ll be closing our doors,” said spokesperson April Firth. 

Discovered by Klinke’s Cleaners’ head stain researcher, Darren Blotting, in early March 2015, the stain removal process requires distillation of massive amounts of squid ink properly paired with red wines from the Napa Valley. The distilled liquids are then exposed to high levels of microwave radiation, typically the defrost setting for about nine minutes on most 700 watt home microwaves. “Though the exact ratio is delicate, measured in micrograms, the stain treatment can be reproduced in the home,” said Blotter. 

The recent drop in prices of west-coast wines has caused a glut of stain start-ups hoping to capitalize on this new technology. Appropriately, demand for squid ink has skyrocketed. A spokesperson for the Fishing Industry Regulation Board, who wished to remain anonymous, suggested that no less than 3,000 squid fishing corporations were formed over night. The surge of squid fishing has drawn the attention of PETA, who claims that squid ink should be a protected natural resource. 

“How would you like it if someone juiced you for your fluids, just so their clothing could be clean?” asked Samantha Wallenbeck, a Madison-area activist protesting outside of Klinke’s Cleaners. 

While the exact science of the treatment process is currently a trade secret, awaiting patent review, since the announcement, many biotech and laundry detergent companies have begun their own research. The race to bring the ultimate stain fighter to market is on and there are, at this time, no clear leaders, let alone victors. 

*It’s April Fools day and this is a joke. Do not use ink and red wine to get out stains. Seriously.

Image credit: © Can Stock Photo Inc. / lightpoet